From time immemorial, the world’s best
thinkers have obsessed on the subject of women and what they want. Freud, I’m
told, has spent considerable time on this. So have, going back in time,
Socrates and Plato. But when you come down to it, all these great minds have
very little to show for it..
I too have ruminated on this subject from
time to time. There had to be an answer. Why is it that, on some days, women
seem to be full of the sweet light of life, while on others, they go about giving
the impression of grey, foreboding skies right out of a black-and-white
Malayalam movie? There are times when my wife smiles indulgently when I spill
the coffee. Now and then, she ruffles my hair affectionately even as I inform
her sheepishly that I forgot to pay the telephone bill. And then, there are
days when the slightest of misses would elicit a response that can only be
described as Shock and Awe. Surely, there had to be a tangible reason behind
this - channeling my inner Da Vinci, I addressed myself to this question with
earnestness.
Was it to do with missing an episode of the
daily serial? Or was it the kids’ performance at school? Does she feel unappreciated
for all the work she does?
As I studied this deeper, I realized that
Man has completely misunderstood women and has perpetrated all kinds of myths
about women being complex, that they want their husbands to be kind and helpful
to them, the kids to be good at school, that they want to feel like they weigh less
today than yesterday and so on. Kind of true, all this. But women like these
things in a very abstract manner. They can actually take it or leave it – much
as one would like some ice cream or something – it’s nice if there’s some on
hand but it’s not the end of the world.
But, and follow me carefully here - the one
thing that pierces a woman’s armour unfailingly is problems with domestic help.
My hypothesis is simply this : A woman who has stable and capable domestic help
is a happy woman. And conversely, hell hath no fury like a woman with trouble
on the domestic help front.
I have observed this play out at home all
the time ever since I stumbled upon this fantastic insight. Initially, I used
to think that my wife’s early morning blues had largely to do with the fact
that the kids had to be packed off to school and I to work so that she can have
the house to herself. I now realize I was missing the point by a mile! Let’s
pause at this point to meet the main character in our family’s lives – Kannagi.
No, that’s not our daughter – Kannagi is the domestic help. So, the tone for
the day is set by a few key events. If Kannagi turns up for work on time, my
wife’s countenance is likely to be radiant and the surroundings suffused with
kindness. In the unlikely event of Kannagi not just arriving on time but also
being in a mood to work efficiently, one would possibly notice an angel-like
halo hovering above my wife’s head. On the other hand, if Kannagi doesn’t show
up, the day begins with the clap of thunderclouds and from there it is all
downhill. Earlier, I used to get into guilt trips thinking about where I went
wrong, but after my moment of enlightenment, I’ve wised up. This stuff actually has nothing to do with me.
How presumptuous was I in judging my importance in my wife’s scheme of things!
I personally think what riles my wife is
the fact that she has to tread very cautiously. With me, an ever so slight lifting
of the eyebrow or the steely glint in the eye are simple but effective signs
that I need to clean up my act. Similarly, albeit to a slightly lesser extent,
with the kids. With the Help, she hits a wall. Clearly with them, criticism,
even of the constructive kind, like asking them to bend down when sweeping
under the sofa, is not welcome. Such views are met with stony silence by
Kannagi – “don’t push me”, her defiant eyes would be telling my wife. And if my
wife throws her weight around, Kannagi would just stage a walk-out. And nothing
gets a woman’s goat as much as seeing the Help she has just sacked walking
without a care into the neighbour’s house, barely hiding a snigger. Probably
got a raise in the process. Arrgh – what a nightmare!!! In the woman’s Book,
the last commandment ought to have been rewritten as “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s
help.”
What complicates the relationship more is
the simple matter of an advance. Invariably, when a new maid takes office, the
first thing discussed is the salary while the second item on the agenda is
always the matter of an advance. This, my wife finds difficult to comprehend.
“She has not even worked here for a day and she is already demanding an
advance. How can I trust her?” she screams. I try to explain that the negative
working capital business model is a best practice pioneered by some of the most
admired enterprises in the world – doesn’t seem to help, though. And I get much
grief for being on the maid’s side…
But that’s just the beginning – it can get
worse. For instance, I know many couples who have brought in their Help from
another state. Once, I noticed my colleague leaving office early and he said he
was leaving for the airport to drop someone. I assumed it was his family heading
to their home town or something. But no. It turned out that he was dropping his
maid at the airport, had booked her tickets and had asked his father to pick
her up at the Trivandrum airport and drive her to her village, a couple of
hours from the airport. And all the while, the man’s wife was on edge,
constantly checking over phone if the package had reached safely. God forbid if
something went wrong – like the flight getting delayed or the air conditioning
in the car failing to work – the maid might get pissed off, never to return…
Apparently, it all went well but I could
not help but feel sorry for a man on the verge of a mental breakdown. A few
days later, as he entered office with a broad smile, I gathered that the maid
had returned, bringing back with her the sunshine that had temporarily vacated
the house of the Nairs. This was succeeded by a period of bliss for my
colleague, judging by the kind of 7-course lunches he would bring to office for
a few weeks post the episode.
Nowadays when I reflect on the many times our
family moved to a new city over the course of a long career, I remember thinking
that my wife was obsessing over the kids’ schooling, the housing and other
random and irrelevant stuff. What I hadn’t figured out then was that the crease
lines on my wife’s brow had more to do with the quality of Help in the new
location and whether they could be trained to handwash the collar before
dumping the shirt into the washing machine.
Once a year, of course, things peak. It is
the time of increments for the household staff! Wives usually discuss this with
the man of the house, but don’t get lulled into thinking they actually want
your inputs. I know many friends of mine, who carelessly brush this most
important event with a “Pooh! Just give them whatever they want. It’s not a big
deal.” And this is where men just don’t get it. For my wife, overpaying the
Help is a nightmare scenario. Imagine your feeling when you’re told that the
phone you just bought is available for a 50% discount in another store. Now,
multiply your chagrin 1000 times over – that’s what your wife would be going
through if the Help is overpaid. On the other hand, she wouldn’t want to
underpay as employee morale and attrition are also factors to be considered!
These are the times when you resist the urge to pass some frivolous remark or
worse, don a socialist hat and talk on behalf of your maid – nope, you just
listen, lend a sympathetic ear, and try to subtly blend into the background…
Ever since I’ve acquired this extremely handy
insight, I’m now able to counsel and sort out many knotty situations in the
personal lives of many in my social circle. Why, the other day, I was with this
young, newly married colleague of mine. And not surprisingly, he was going
through a rough patch at home. Being naïve and inexperienced in the ways of the
world, he confided in me that he was advised to watch out during “that time of
the month”, when his wife would apparently be irritable, but was actually
confounded by the lack of correlation. With a languid smile, I told him that he
was only partially correct – he should actually be tracking “that time of the
month” of his maid, because her irritability would cast a shadow over his
marital bliss more than any other factor, and that he should ideally escape
from the nest by planning official travel during such times. Of course, I asked
him to be very discrete while instituting enquiries in that direction, because
suspicions of infidelity come a rather close second to trouble with domestic
help, in the hierarchy of a woman’s concerns…
Anyway, now you know the Truth. I am sorry
to be the bearer of the information that
you are tremendously overestimating your influence on your wife’s disposition. Focus
on the root cause and do the best you can to keep the domestic help happy. Then
again, don’t let your wife catch you at this – they don’t appreciate your
intervention in this department without prior written approval. But, if you
achieve this, without getting caught, you’ve given yourself the best shot at
marital bliss. Remember, the way to a man’s heart may be through his stomach,
but the route to a woman’s heart is clearly through the domestic help….
*******
