"Happy Holidaying" - An Even Bigger Oxymoron!

Finally, another holiday trip wears down to an end and I’m back home tomorrow, wind, weather and flight delays permitting. Shortly thereafter, I will show up at work, supposedly de-stressed and rejuvenated, ready to face all the challenges that have been lurking, awaiting my return.

Funny, isn’t it? We holiday more these days than before, but it seems like hard work. The problems with my current attempt were seeded five months ago, when I did nothing. Nothing! I did not plan the holiday, was sitting blissfully in January, wondering whether the stock markets would ever revive – the summer vacation seemed like a faraway concept, not really something that needed to be accorded any mind space then. What I did not know was that the seasoned holidayers were already making their plans and reservations.

I toiled on through February and March, little realizing the disaster that had already happened but was waiting to announce itself to me. Come April, I finally got on the phone and realized I had not the slimmest chance of finding a place in any of the better resorts. And then began the series of compromises that seem to characterize most of my vacations.

The Location. Given the complete lack of preparation and promptitude on my part, the location is never a question of what choices I make, but of what options remain. And these would be typically third and fourth tier options. Then the question of how we get there. Again, the alacrity shown by my brother travellers in booking hotels apparently extends to Railway tickets. So, here goes – look at the low cost airlines. Low cost? You got to be joking! In fact, note the cunning use of words – they call themselves “Low Cost Airlines” and not “Low Price Airlines”. A few days are spent in ranting and raving about the high price of the low cost airline tickets till the options start vanishing there too – suddenly the flight ticket went up by another 1,000 per head from the previous day. As the price starts to mount by the hour, the airline tickets are grudgingly booked.

But we are still not good to go. There is the matter of packing. And much as you think you have it all, there is always the one day of mandatory shopping. Followed by the “which suitcases to carry?” question.  Our family can never agree on the “one large suitcase versus multiple smaller ones” puzzle. Finally after much hustle and bustle, with checklists and stuff (all important elements of creating the “going on vacation” environment), the packing is done, and we are now good to go.

The check in is always an extreme event. You are either thrilled with the room or you are totally disappointed. I have rarely seen a middle path. For haphazard holidayers like us, chances are that, for example if we are in a beach resort, we will get the cottage that is well inland, with a view of the backside of the resort kitchen from one window and, from the other, a small slice of blue in the 10 centimeter gap between cottages 101 and 102 being the only proof that we were anywhere in the vicinity of a beach. Which is ok. You get used to anything. But, there are times when, in the quest for the “room with a view”, you ask for the sea facing cottage, and then you are told that it is available for only 3 nights out of the 5 that you are booked in. And what’s worse, the 3 nights are the first, third and fifth of your 5 nights stay! Now the pressure begins to build. You don’t want to be moving rooms three times over a five day vacation. On the other hand, you would feel pretty silly when your colleagues dismiss your entire holiday with a comment like “Oh???!!! You mean you went all the way to Kovalam and did not stay in the sea facing cottage? What a pity, man…”. I don’t like to be the butt of ridicule any more than the next man. So we gloomily agree to the prospect of infinite shifts over the next 5 days, but at least we can get back to work later and face our colleagues with a brave face, and fewer chinks in our armour.

Anyway, we are all checked in and good to go ahead and enjoy the vacation. This is where the trouble peaks. I have never seen two people agree on what an ideal vacation is. I myself am the relaxed, R&R variety (aka slothful!). Give me a few days of peace, late mornings, laze around in the pool till lunch, snooze post, do some fun activity with the family in the evening, get to bed. Take a couple of half days to see some of the local stuff, gather enough nuggets of info so that I am not wrong footed when later someone asks me what the local language is.

And then there are the absolutely high-enthu holidayers like my wife, whose idea of a vacation is to get up with a whoop and a holler at 5 am with camera in hand and hit the local sightseeing spots by 8 am. Visit all the places of interest, do all the treks that the resort has to offer, participate in every resort event, and generally go native. And while doing so, amass a huge trove of information on the local history, geography and every other conceivable titbit, which all gets dictated into the camcorder as commentary to the video.

But there are battles you fight and some you don’t - so, more often than not, we leave at 7 am, having hurriedly wolfed in a meager breakfast, to straddle back in around 6 pm, so that we don’t miss the resort fun activities in the evening. Have shower, dress quickly, it’s time to go again, so that relaxed evening cocktail will have to wait till the next day. And the days wear on… till it’s time to pack again and return.

Finally, we are heading back and I am tired in every bone. I have had two half days of travel at the two ends of five days of non-stop sightseeing. I have been getting up at 5 am every day and am seriously sleep deprived. I have spent five hours every day in rickety SUVs traveling to beaches, waterfalls, viewpoints and what not. I have trekked about 10 miles through thick woods, with the photograph of the hoofmark of an alleged bison to show for it. I have not had one beer on the beach, or one relaxing cocktail in the evening. Those long, romantic strolls under starlit skies with my wife seem more likely to happen on Boat Club road back home. The quality time with my kids? Hey, didn’t see much of them – they were busy having fun! And in the process I blew up some serious cash.

So, forgive me if I sound stressed. Right now, as we fly back, my wife is already obsessing about the maid turning up in time to clean the house before we return. And whether the cyclone that’s just hit Chennai will lead to a few days of rain, in which case, how the hell is she supposed to wash and dry all the accumulated clothes of the vacation? What a nightmare?!

I am wondering how I am going to shake off all the stress of the last few days in time for my return to work which is less than two days away. I need about 50 straight hours of sleep, 20 waking hours of doing nothing and a few stiff drinks. And then some time to get over the hangover. And all this to be achieved in 36 hours! In between all this, I need to take time out for a three hour session of video watching, where we all relive the fun moments of the recent vacation, just in case it is not fully etched into ones memory. Aaaargh, the stress is really building up. I think I need a vacation!

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